Amanda and John adopted a little girl a year ago and she is now 2 years old. Amanda thinks that she should be able to continue to sleep in their bed to create that bond of mommy and daddy as well as show her that it is a safe place and that she is loved. Little Sylvia didn’t have a good start. John feels that the child needs to be shown structure in that this is your room and your bed and this is where you sleep. He feels that the child can still feel loved and know that mommy and daddy are not going anywhere from her own room. John also feels that this has and will continue to interfere with their intimate relationship and could ultimately lead to a failed marriage for them.
Slacker doesn’t really like it when his kids end up in his bed with him and his wife. It is not comfortable.
Steve said that he is getting the feeling that Amanda could take or leave the intimacy with her husband. Amanda is doing it for her not for her baby. John has been replaced and that could lead to him being missing from the picture in the future.
What is your opinion? Baby in your bed? Or not? What advice do you have for john and Amanda?
My first daughter slept with us in our bed until she was three years old. She was our first and I had trouble telling her no when she said she was scarred. It was never where she started though we always encouraged her to sleep in her room. It did cause some issues with my ex and I, but eventually she wanted to stay in her own space.
Seems counterintuitive but research shows that babies who bed in with parents tend to be more independent during waking hours and as they grow older they are more confident and independent than babies who sleep in cribs. As a father, it was hard for me to accept losing my spot in bed to a baby at first but transitioning them out as they got older was not as difficult as you might think. Tough at first but they get through the transition just about as fast as it takes to potty train them. You can even make the transition an event by getting them a new bed or throwing a party. Kids love it. We transitioned out first child out at the age of 3 and have had no problems keeping her in her room
Option to compromise
I think people can be so quick to judge. Every family is different, as is every child. What works for one may not work for the other. When it causes marital issues, then something needs to change. I think there can be a compromise here. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
I have 3 children. The youngest was adopted at age 19 months, so I understand the need for attachment. The other 2 were not adopted and are now 8 and 12. The 2 younger kids do sleep with me often, but not every night. When my oldest was little, the rule was that he could sleep with me one night per week. Over time, one night per week often turned into 2 or 3 nights. Sometimes this was because he was sick, there was a thunder storm, or because my husband was going to sleep on the couch anyway because he wanted to stay up late and watch TV, but I can't sleep with the TV on. My kids also often sleep with each other in one of their rooms as well as alone in their own rooms. My oldest now prefers to sleep alone in his room. I never had to tell him he was too old to sleep with me, he just did it on his own. My 8 year old is starting to head that direction as well and has chosen his own room over being with me sometimes. All 3 of my kids are very happy, very confident, and very close to each other and to both parents.
As for my husband and I, we are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary. I love him so very much and think he is the most awesome husband and father ever. We always tell the kids that our relationship has to take top priority because if we do not take care of our relationship, then we can't properly provide them with the happy home and parents they deserve. We plan date nights out and also nights in when all kids have to be in their rooms early so that we can have some alone time. As for intimacy, the truth of the matter is that with 3 kids and running our own business we are both usually exhausted by 9:30pm. Nothing would be going on most nights anyway which is why it's so important to plan for dates and time together when you aren't tired or overwhelmed with day to day activities.
Since the baby has now been with the family for one year, and because John feels it is beginning to affect his relationship with his wife and potentially is not good for the baby, it is probably time to start the transition to her own bed. I don't think this has to be or should be an all of a sudden thing. Work into it gradually and then still be flexible by allowing her to sleep with you either at regular intervals (which will teach her not to ask on the unscheduled days) or as needed depending on everyone's needs.
I think it is very unfair to say that mom's are being selfish by wanting their children in beds with them. Good mothers are completely selfless in almost every area of life when the kids come along. Don't we deserve one brief period of time when they are small to be able to hold them close. My oldest will be a teenager soon, yet it seems like just the other day when he was little and wanting to snuggle with me all night. I do not regret one minute of having him with me for that time. We have a very strong relationship and while I have no idea what to expect from his teenage years, I feel that the bonding we did in his younger years will help keep us close no matter what comes up.
I hope John and Amanda can work out a compromise here or else one of them will end up being very resentful which is hurtful to everyone. I was very sad hearing Amanda cry at the end of the call. I actually never come on and post stuff like this, but I had such a strong feeling about it and think I have a little experience that I hope is helpful.